Chapter 6

And so Andy and Gary fought one another for ten years, Andy posing as Athena, Gary as Ares. One day the Achaeans would encamp at the city walls, and the bright-eyed goddess exhorted them to bravery, victory was at hand; the next day, the Trojans would repulse the Achaeans back to their black boats, and the bloodstained god cried that the unjust invaders were near complete rout.

Now, in order to paint a full picture: the Achaeans, up to this point, had waged war with other tribes by sizing up their best men, putting them in a large circle, or a square, it didn’t matter, have their men eye angrily the opposing men, who were also in squares or circles, and then the squares and circles would run up to the other, getting some cutting in, some bludgeoning in, and when the other square or circle ran off they knew they were victorious.

When the Trojan War began, Andy burned all of the countryside. He ordered the Achaeans to slash and dismember any farmers they met, in order to discourage them from feeding the Trojans and to encourage them to work for the Achaeans. The frantic Trojans, concerned for famine, fought frantically for the farmland, and were twice as savage in ensuring the cooperation of the farmers. The result was that, on both sides, everyone’s cheeks became more shallow; the strength of boys, who should reach their best height in their youth, and the plump around girls’ arms, which should appear as they enter womanhood, thinned and became more pale from the malnutrition.

Further, Andy disrupted the Trojans’ trade routes, encouraging the city’s satellites to betray them. When the Trojans discovered their allies’ betrayals, they punished them thoroughly, plunging their swords into the breasts of their former friends.

And, as time continued, each side killed the best of the men of the other side, those who were first in waking, first to assemble the troops, first in battle, and first in negotiating, such that the only men left were the least beloved, being Menelaus, Agamemnon, Odysseus, Paris, et cetera. With the loss of so much decency, people became apathetic and even disillusioned with the concepts of goodness and love. They indeed believed evil was more powerful than good, for surely the ones who lived were the worst men ever produced.

And so, day after day, the Achaeans and the Trojans would be aroused from their slumber exhausted and pained, nearly too tired to lift their weapons had they not caught a glimpse of their enemy, their avowed enemy, who caused all of this mortal suffering in their lifetimes.

This was far from the glorious war Homer had originally envisioned.

On the tenth year of the war, Andy figured they were just about done.

Part of his reasoning was that preparations were complete for the big battle.

One day, like every other day, the Achaeans and the Trojans wearily eyed one another from their sides of the battlefield. Because of improving technology, one could expect from the other a hundred different kinds of death: eye gouged by an arrow, brains bashed by a hammer, guts slashed by a blade. In order to sustain their sanity, they decided to feel nothing, and so stood there stoically like tin soldiers awaiting their orders from the tent.

Then, before their eyes, pillars of flame erupted over the battlefield, and from the smoke Andia and Garia emerged. They cried, Noble warriors! The war is near its end! For the gods, today, have come to fight!

There Andy’s sword flashes; there Gary’s sword flew like a swallow; Andy’s feet kicked up dirt swiftly and in flashes; while Gary’s swings shook the air. Andy knocked the sword out of Gary’s hand, slapped his face and then his knees to the ground; he brought his knee to his chest, and, so immobilizing Gary, he looped his arm around Gary’s, then his other around his neck, and gave a martial yell before bringing both of their bodies down, Gary’s the more hurt.

Andy demanded Gary cry Uncle; Gary refused; Andy noogied Gary, and said, Say uncle!; Gary relented; the war was over. The Trojans gave a sigh of relief, the Achaeans were also relieved, even if they did not receive Trojan girls for their pains.

Then Andy and Gary stood up and gave the other considerable distance. Andy shouted, Hah! and from his hand a red lightning bolt erupted and struck Gary; Gary’s head rocked back and forth, and he seemed confounded, only for him to recollect his senses and shout Aha!, shooting a green lightning bolt at Andy. The warriors were amazed, and, with their arms wrapped around their knees, said Ooh and Aah. The only person who did not appreciate the spectacle was Homer, who was busy operating the fireworks.