In the desert, Andy and Gary arrived. In their hands they bore gifts. A star was over Bethlehem, and under this star a baby was born.
Andy and Gary called themselves kings; the baby’s mother thought this was strange, yet they wore crowns, so she shrugged it off. Andy offered gold; Gary offered myrrh; she really needed frankincense; Gary circled the manger and, lo, he was a third king, a little late, yet nevertheless welcomed for he had the frankincense she needed.
The boy grew to be a man, and the man grew up to be the chosen one, for Andy and Gary told him he was when he was splashed with water. The chosen one went to the desert to fast and meditate on the meaning of his life.
Lo, the devil appeared before him, who was really Andy. Andy said, Make these stones into bread, so you may eat them.
The chosen one went to pick up a stone when God appeared, who was really Gary. Don’t eat that stone! And don’t you dare make that stone into bread and thereby eat the bread! And the chosen one responded, It’s just a little bit of bread. Gary said, Ye shall feast on every one of my words.
Then Andy exhorted the chosen one to jump, so he may see the angels catch him. The chosen one too wanted to see angels, for he had never seen them before, and so he bent his knees. Gary said, Stop! Do not jump! My many angels are busy painting the many rooms of my house, and one should not tempt God.
Then Andy exhorted the chosen one, I shall give ye all the kingdoms of this earth, so long as you worship me. That’s a lot of kingdoms, the chosen one thought. Gary said, I’ll give you the kingdom of heaven, you schmuck, which is bigger and greater than all the kingdoms combined! Andy could not make a better counteroffer, and so the chosen one did not worship him.
The chosen one then began his march to Jerusalem, gathering disciples. They healed many sick people along the way, citing divine intervention, when in reality Andy and Gary cured them with penicillin and recommendations to get a good night’s sleep.
When Lazarus came back from the dead, it was really Gary, propping him up.
When Legion was cast out, it was really Gary administering benzodiazepine.
When water was turned into wine, it was really Gary swapping the bottles into wine. A partygoer looked into a bottle. Wine? I wanted blood, you drunk.
The chosen one saw a mob persecuting an adulteress. I shall make a parable out of her, he thought. He – ow! He who – ow! He who has not – ow! Will you all quit it! he cried, grabbing a stone thrown in mid-air, for the mob was in a stone-throwing mood.
Listen, he who has not sinned may throw the first stone. But the mob had long dispersed, their arms sore of stone-throwing. The chosen one just wanted to get the last word. He limped to the adulteress, who herself didn’t think throwing stones should be contingent on sinning, and said, Go, and sin no more. He then limped away. The adulteress remarked to herself, But I didn’t ask.
And then the chosen one climbed a mount, and, yea, there were a lot of people waiting to hear him. He expected maybe twenty or thirty, but Andy and Gary did a great deal of crowd work and found some thirty thousand very bored people to attend. The chosen one had stage fright and wanted to back out, but Andy insisted he continue, all he had to do was repeat his words.
Andy said, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. All of it? the chosen one asked. Yes, Andy answered.
Andy said, Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Are you sure? the chosen one asked. That’s a lot of earth. Yes, Andy answered.
Andy said, If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Unconditionally? the chosen one asked. Yes, Andy answered.
Andy said, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Now that just seems unrealistic, the chosen one said. Just say it, Andy answered.
And so the sermon was a smashing success; the chosen one was now famous, but he could not enjoy the fame, as Andy and Gary told him to make for Jerusalem alone. And on the way he said many parables, as told to him by Andy and Gary.
The chosen one wanted to enter Jerusalem on a white stallion, as he had fantasized as a child. Andy and Gary said, No, now sit on this ass.
The chosen one thought he should be polite to the priests, for it was their temple after all. Andy and Gary said, No, now throw this table down.
The chosen one thought, Wow, there are a lot of people in need of guidance, I can spend a long life serving them. Andy and Gary said, No, you’re going to die soon.
They debated on this point. Andy and Gary said, What are you doing with your life anyway? You just walked over the entire desert for nothing. It was true, the chosen one’s feet were killing him.
That night, at supper, the chosen one told his closest disciples, One of you will betray me. This was not true. Andy and Gary hired one of them to betray him. Big difference.
The chosen one was then carried away by Roman centurions, his disciples fleeing like chickens. He was taken to the governor of Judaea, who asked why the chosen one was captured. He was answered. You want to crucify him because you don’t like him? he asked in bewilderment. Luckily the law wasn’t invented yet, and so no reason was ample enough reason.
The governor brought the chosen one to the people, crying Ecce homo!, meaning, there is the man! in old language. He didn’t say it dramatically, in fact he did not say it with emphasis; it was just to let people know that he was coming out. The chosen one was met with yawns.
The chosen one was polite enough to bear his own cross. The governor thought, What a nice guy, it’s such a shame.
They stood the cross tall and brought the chosen one up. They put one nail in the left. Ow! he said. They put a nail in the right. Ow! he said.
And so he was hanged there for a while. The scene was so boring, and people debated leaving. The governor decided to screen monster truck rallies. And so the people stayed and cheered when Truckasaurus ate a car, but the screen was to the left of the chosen one’s sight, so he had to constantly turn his head left. The neck pain was worse than death.
Gary then held out a bucket of vinegar, and Andy took the sponge in the vinegar and gave it to the chosen one to drink. The chosen one spat it out. This isn’t wine. It’s eight in the morning on a Monday, there isn’t any more wine, Andy scolded.
Andy then instructed the chosen one to say, It is done. So the chosen one said, and so he died.
The chosen one’s body was put in a tomb with a very large rock rolled over its mouth. Three days later, that rock rolled over, and Andy, as the chosen one, stood out, with a long beard, for he was now wise having seen heaven and hell. This was truly a miracle.
And so Andy’s long beard invented Christianity, and the Reformation, and the Schism, and the Crusades, and the genocide of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, et cetera.
© 2025 Jay Lee