On April 20th, 1889, a child is born in Brannau am Inn, a child who will one day be responsible for the deaths of eighty million people with reasons that weren’t very good.
A viable standpoint is that death is death, that death is an unknowable and that, therefore, there is nothing to say concerning something we know so little about. This same standpoint asserts that only a churlish, childish, crude, regressed, meanspirited, poorspirited, deranged, and generally unfunny, generally unlikeable and generally friendless person would even approach the topic of a holocaust of many millions of people without having some intellectual, philosophical or moral aim in the retelling.
Well, here I go.
It is 1924. Hitler is in Landsberg prison. In the corner of his cell, is a tiny, chipped stool which had supported the behinds of the prisoners before him, upon which his was placed on now; in his eyes are the bars of the prison, which now cut the moonlight into stripes, and allowed in a tumble of snowflakes into the cell; and surrounding him were walls that smelled stale and heard the mutters in misery of so many prisoners past; Hitler said, Oh boy, what a mess I’ve gotten myself into.
Oh why, oh why oh why did I go into the Bürgerbräukeller, and, all youthfulness, all callowness and rage, did I shout at the top of my lungs and my lust, The revolution has begun! And then, marched to the Reichswehr like a fool, like a soldier on holiday, and pretended to claim it! Oh, what lapse of judgment possessed me, what devil took hold of me! Ah, how stupid! Do I have any brains? Nein!
He leapt from the stool and put his head between the bars, feeling the cold air flood his senses, feeling the snowflakes melt on his blood-filled face. Oh redeemer, oh merciful God, I repent of my sins! Please, I know not what I do! Let me out of this cell, not for the sake of my shame, but so I can make amends! After all, he trembled, his mouth full of spit, his head dizzy, it’s Christmas!
Again, this is all historically accurate.
Oh how Hitler’s heart soared at the coming of Christmas! The tree and its magnificent display of needles; its branches weighed down by baubles in silver; beneath it, presents wrapped in gold ribbon; and a star on the crown of the trees, like the star over Bethlehem announcing our lord and savior’s birth; yes, how could one’s heart not be swooned by Christmas, a holiday commemorating less the birth of the earth’s savior and more the triumph of the human spirit over the darkness of its soul? Christmas, O glorious Christmas, and now, Christmas in a cell! Ach, mensch! Ach, he cried, hitting his head against the bars, with tears falling on his face, it is not so much I am in prison that so upsets me, it is that I’m within my sins on this holiest of days!
If, Lord, I can leave this pit of despair, I shall change my ways! I shall embrace my fellow man – all! I will never take life so carelessly, I shall never denounce another person’s right to exist! I shall quit myself from politics, venom come from man’s poisoned heart, and return to art! I know now that the greatest I can do is the littlest, and the littlest I can do is the greatest – for does it not say in Scripture, The meek shall inherit the earth?
Hitler’s face turned to the cell door; he stood, wide-eyed, alert, for the door swung open, and a cold air, colder than the winter outside, came in like an omen. In the distance he heard chains clanking. Before his eyes – to Hitler’s shock – came in Alfred Rosenberg, the current leader of the Nazi Party after his imprisonment. His body was wrapped in chains, binding cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses to his form. Alfred, really Andy, pointed to the stool, meaning to sit on it. Hitler, stunned, nodded. Alfred gave a sigh of relief and relaxed on the stool.
You, you cannot be, Hitler breathed, Alfred?
I am indeed, Andy said. I am also, he boomed ominously, the Ghost of Christmas Past.
But, Hitler trembled, the Ghost of Christmas Past appears in the second stave!
No one wants to know about your boring past! Yes, it is I, Alfred Rosenberg, the man you named to lead the Nazi Party, and I have come to tell you ... I am doing really well in life! Look, he said, picking up a cash-box, see how much money I’ve gotten from being leader! And these deeds! And these keys to people’s homes! I am doing well leading the Nazis!
Because of the Beer Hall Putsch, the Nazis became very successful! We became an overnight hit! Who knew that virality, in hindsight, was so easy to attain? And all it took was one little sacrifice – yours! Alfred cackled.
Come with me, Adolf, Andy beckoned Hitler with his hand, you had said that you repent and shall lead a humble existence. I will show you the truth of this world. His teeth chattering, his hands on his breast, Hitler, without a word or a will, followed.
This is my friend, the Ghost of Christmas Present, who was really Gary. They shook hands.
They walked through the snowy streets of Bavaria. Gary halted, and put a finger on his lips, signaling to his companions to keep silent, for they were outside someone’s home. They peered in.
They were peering into the home of Anton Drexler, Hitler’s predecessor in the German Workers’ Party. Hitler beamed. Ah, Anton! If ever a good man on this earth! When I was homeless and without vocation, Anton let me in with open arms into his party, giving me a place of belonging at last.
This same Anton was now speaking as he wafted the steam from a hot cup of tea: That Hitler, what a useless idiot! The only part of him that was good was his mouth – he said all sorts of useless things, but useless things, as it turns out, has an appeal to useless people! I made use of that dummy, to make my riches! He did a splendid job building the party, so I, Anton Drexler, could profit off it! I don’t even dislike Jews! Some of my best friends are Jewish! I just like to say things! He took all I said seriously, like a worshipper before his idol! He opened wide his black mouth; from it, laughter emitted, and vicious light emerged from the dark of his eyes.
Hitler mewled; he closed his eyes; his mouth was wide open, but no articulate words came out; oh, this was a dream, a horrible nightmare! How could Anton Drexler, the Drexler he knew, start a political party – not out of sincere interest for his country, but for his own profit? Gary tapped Hitler’s shoulder, meaning for him to go.
They then moved onto a tavern, warm with life. When Hitler peered inside, his heart leapt – there, amongst her friends, was the love of his life, Eva Braun! There she was, her fingers curled around a stein, the other in her soft brown locks, her flashing eye, her dimpled smile, oh how he longed to be with her, and not in this cold!
Ach, that Hitler! He was going nowhere in life! Leader of the Nazi Party, what a stuffy role! I need a man of wealth and means, and plenty of excitement! She then conceded the chair to a tall, confident, handsome gentleman, and sat on his lap; she and her girl friends laughed and laughed, draining their steins.
Hitler cried, Not you too, Eva!
Now you are coming to understand, Adolf, Andy intoned, you want to be good, but the world is full of evil. How can a good man be good in an evil world? He cannot! It is irrational! You can only be evil in an evil world! And therefore – not evil at all! Now, away! We shall now visit the residence of the man who arrested you – Gustav Ritter von Kahr!
They stole themselves to Kahr’s home; Hitler made the sign of the cross, hoping to find in his heart forgiveness for Kahr. Instead, he found Kahr straddling two beautiful blond women on his lap, roaring with laughter, as turkey and figgy pudding were stuffed into his mouth, as his hands were already occupied. Oh how bright the golden chandelier was! Oh how shining the table’s silver was! Oh how pleasing Kahr’s servants were! And how powerful he was! He need only, that enormous man, to roar: expel all the Jews in Bavaria! and all the jack-knife booted men in his manor did so! Kahr cried, I am king of Bavaria! and the whole dining room shook with laughter!
And from the staircase stumbled down two children, round as buttons, asking their father for pocket change. From Kahr’s hand tumbled a river of gold coins – and, he loudly proclaimed, there’s much more where that came from!
Those two children, Gary explained, are Power and Wealth, and, of the two, the former is to be most coveted.
That stupid Hitler! That idiotic Hitler! That upstart! That rioter! Look at me – I am rich and powerful beyond belief! Who could compel Jupiter off his golden throne! I will forever and ever be – rich!
Hitler fumed; Hitler huffed; Hitler quietly raged. Gary then tapped his shoulder. I shall now show you the future. But aren’t you the ghost of the present? No, I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. What, do you think all ghosts look the same?
They moved silently to a funeral in Branau am Inn. The priest said the deceased was quiet, he made very good art, and ... the priest drummed his fingers on his Bible, hopelessly searching for more things to say. His charwoman said, Well, he was a nice boy. His laundress said, He was a quiet boy. The undertaker said, It’s a shame he had no possessions to sell, he lived like a hermit. The undertaker then picked something up: it was one of the deceased’s paintings; he grimaced, and said, This isn’t even good for toilet paper! and threw it on the ground.
When the procession dispersed, Gary, really the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, formerly Ghost of Christmas Present, showed Hitler the deceased’s name: ADOLF HITLER.
Hitler shrieked. I repent of my repenting! How could I, for a moment, live a modest life while my enemies are laughing over me! How could I rest when I am the object of pity in everyone’s eyes! How could I be content with humble living, without having once touched every possession in the world, without feeling myself over another man on this world, having pushed him down! Oh spirits, I have learned my lesson! It is my lot in life to be a huge asshole to others, for the (just) fear that they aspire to be huge assholes to me!
Hitler, to his astonishment, found himself back in his cell, quiet, cold, snowflakes drifting in, as ever. Hitler huffed and puffed, his heart hardened into proving his doubters wrong: he wrote about his struggles, left prison, entered politics again, and won – and won – and won! Yes, being evil and a giant dickhead worked wonders in life! He was soon to be chancellor of Germany, surrounded by all the jewels and girls he dreamed of in Landsberg prison! God’s greatest rewards are given to plunderers! The world is really in the shape of a boot’s imprint – and it longs for its boot!
Andy beheaded Hitler, put his brain in a jar, and assumed his role as chancellor. Now that Hitler’s life was getting interesting, it was time for Andy to take center stage in one of the world’s greatest tragedies; and Andy was born to be a star.
© 2025 Jay Lee