The Sot-Weed Factor Makes No Sense

I have read many a plotless book; I love "Ulysses" (1922), I love Cortazar's "Hopscotch" (1963), I love Beckett's work, I love Celine, I don't prize a book by its plot, I prize it for its expression, and I don't mind if a book is just a series of raw scenes.

John Barth's "The Sot-Weed Factor" (1960) has the worst plot of anything I've ever seen. It's almost as bad as anime, and that's a huge insult. It's almost as nonsensical as fucking "Stein;s Gate".

Let's get this out of the way: I enjoyed "The Sot-Weed Factor", but I don't think it aged well. It is written with so much love for 18th century literature, so much so that the prose is written anachronistically. There is a lawyer who finds a million unique ways to swear, and there are entire pages of English and Frenchwomen just cussing. Barth also has a great interest in sailing, and the passages where our protagonists are out at sea rank among the novel's best. Barth loves the English language and he loves crafting a fine sentence.

However, I don't know what the fuck he was trying to accomplish. If he intended to write an adventure, the characters and their motivations are completely fucked. If he intended to write a comedy, he doesn't know what set-up and punchline are (although this isn't always the case, as there are some well-crafted jokes in the novel). I know "The Sot-Weed Factor" is an homage or a parody to Henry Fielding's novels and satire in general, with frequent mentions to Hudibras, but 1. if the novel is meant to be a satire, what ... is the aim of that satire, "innocence"? 2. if it's a parody, it absolutely does not rise above the thing it is parodying.

I don't intend to use this article to criticize Barth; he was 26, I believe, when he began writing the novel and 30 when he was done with it. He was very young and he was just having fun, and the novel is, indeed, fun, full of that youthful energy that wants to find out more. I truly want to read more of his work; if I'm lucky, I read all of his work, because I actually have quite a lot of kinship with him when it comes to writing adventure stories.

But the plot of "The Sot-Weed Factor" is so bad that I actually can't wrap my head around it; it's so bad that it genuinely hurts its reputation as a classic of postmodern literature. If someone were to ask me how postmodernism developed, I would recommend they read this book, which came out very early in America's postmodern period; if someone were to ask me for postmodern classics, I would never recommend this book unless I knew the person well, because I don't want them to hit me. If you're interested in the movement historically, this book is pretty crucial; if you want to understand the potential of the genre, this book is not worth reading to find it.

In an effort to exorcise my complete frustration with this book, I will now lay out the plot to "The Sot-Weed Factor"; Wikipedia has a plot, but the plot makes it look more reasonable than it actually is. I will do this in a numbered list so we can get a sense of the scale of plot. Also, this will be entirely by memory, because I'm not going through the 800 pages again.

1. Twins Ebenezer and Anna Cooke are born in Maryland on a sot-weed plantation. They have a tutor, Henry Burlingame.

2. One day Burlingame leaves and Ebenezer gets upset with his father, Andrew Cooke, about it.

3. Ebenezer grows up and goes to university. He is a smart young man but he thinks every means of life is good or equally as good as the other and can't decide on a single vocation. That being said, he has a yen for poetry.

4. He can't graduate university for some reason? I don't remember why but he runs into some dilemma in university.

5. He reunites with his tutor Henry Burlingame, who apparently got really depressed after he left the twins, was suicidal, found himself adopted by ... some professor or something, has a sexual relationship with Isaac Newton (in his own words), and is now in some vague trouble.

6. Henry tells his story of having been born abandoned in the Americas, adopted by a sea captain, and having sex and adventures on various American islands before becoming the twins' tutors. (This is the first instance the book actually shows a lot of promise; the mini-stories in the book are quite good.)

7. Oh, I forgot about this, because the chronology doesn't matter at all: Ebenezer is a virgin. Because of a bet that Ebenezer does not - I repeat, does NOT - participate in at all, he has to have sex with the local prostitute, Joan Toast.

8. Ebenezer runs away, only for Joan to pursue him all the way into his apartment (???), naked. She then tells him the story of the Great Tom Leech which is a great story.

9. Ebenezer decides for some reason that he will not love Joan carnally but purely. Joan gets upset and storms out.

10. Joan's pimp comes and asks for money, even though no sex happened (I actually think McEvoy, the pimp, is being somewhat reasonable here). McEvoy then threatens Ebenezer with a letter to his father, saying Ebenezer hasn't been doing jack squat this whole time.

11. Oh no wait, I completely messed up the chronology. Okay, back to 6 - Ebenezer and Henry decide to be tutors, even though Ebenezer doesn't know jack shit.

12. Anna visits Ebenezer and Henry to tell Ebenezer their father is sick because Ebenezer is ... not ... doing ... what Andrew thought he was supposed to be doing.

13. Ebenezer leaves Henry and visits his sick father, who tells him the story of their deceased mother and his adventures in Maryland, wherein he found a nurse for his newly born twins because dead mother blah blah blah.

14. Andrew wants Ebenezer to go to Malden, their plantation, and resume Andrew's role as a sot-weed factor. Apparently Andrew doesn't give a shit at all about Ebenezer being at university, even though this ... was ... a major plot point, I don't know anymore. Therefore, he sends Ebenezer to do some work for a firm somewhere in England so he can get experience in sot-weed factoring, before he officially moves to America.

15. Okay, back to 10 - so Ebenezer has all of a sudden become high and mighty and tells McEvoy to just send the damn letter. Predictably, Andrew is upset but tells Ebenezer to just get on the boat to America. Why you would send your lazy son on a perilous journey to America I don't understand - and the journey is indeed perilous, as Ebenezer should have died like a hundred times in this journey.

16. Okay so all of a sudden Ebenezer decides, because of his pledge of purity to Joan Toast, to become a dang good poet, so he goes to Charles Calvert, the "owner" of Maryland I guess, and says, Hey, make me Poet Laureate of Maryland.

17. Charles then regales Ebenezer with the whooooooooooole political history of the Maryland colony, like actual minute details that no one would give a shit about. Then he makes Ebenezer Poet Laureate of Maryland, because why not? even though he spends the whole story saying, Well I don't really own Maryland, technically. The story also sets up John Coode who - yes, this is true - never appears in the story and is actually not important to the story at all. (The story also later reveals that Charles Calvert was not Charles Calvert at all but actually, dun dun dun, Henry Burlingame, but just remembering this completely inconceivable and pointless reveal makes me want to shoot myself.)

18. So Ebenezer is happy to be the Poet Laureate of Maryland and everyone is jealous of him, even though everyone does not like Charles Calvert because he's a Papist, plothoooooooooole?! Anyway Ebenezer is now ready to go to Maryland, and after a misadventure in a bookshop he meets, gasp, Henry Burlingame again, in a disguise!

19. So Henry himself has actually this whole time been going on adventures in America, because ... because why not! Because it's fun! Because what in life is better than hanging around with raping pirates! (This is not what is actually written in the chapter, Henry gives all these political reasons, but when we approach the end of the book we realize Henry doesn't do what Henry does for practical reasons, Henry does what Henry does because Henry don't give a fuck anymore. Actually Henry's ostensible reason for doing what he does is that he wants to find his ancestry, but he takes so many extraneous actions that ... that just can't be the only reason.)

20. Burlingame claims he is an ally of Charles Calvert and so will accompany Ebenezer to Maryland, as an official bodyguard and as a friend. They ... oh god, my memory is falling apart ... they go to an inn.

21. Around this time, Burlingame reveals that his ancestry is detailed in the journals of John Smith, who traveled through America with a gentleman conspicuously named Henry Burlingame. The John Smith retellings are wonderful, and this first entry is among the best, even though it's pretty rape-y.

22. Anyway, Burlingame goes away in the inn and two pirates barge in, wanting to kill Ebenezer because he is the ever-so-important Poet Laureate of Maryland. Ebenezer poops; the pirates mistake someone else for the Poet Laureate, and chase him instead.

23. Ebenezer is left naked in the inn's shed because he pooped himself, and Burlingame is, uh, distracted by pirate business or something. Ebenezer leaves the inn at some point; he discovers someone is pretending to be him, the Poet Laureate of Maryland. He then deduces Henry pretended to be him to take the heat off of him, so he can board a ship safely disguised as someone else.

24. But Ebenezer is plain wrong and Henry is actually pretending to be John Coode, uber-villain of Maryland. Ebenezer ... then ... decides to get on a boat that's supposed to be a trap for Ebenezer, because, dang nabbit, a Poet Laureate has to be an honest man. Burlingame suddenly does not care, because he is more interested in pirate business for some reason.

25. Ebenezer goes on the boat that is meant to be a trap for him. He discovers someone is impersonating him. He declares loudly that he is, in fact, the Poet Laureate, at the risk of being thrown overboard because the sailors think he is lying. This is one of those moments where Ebenezer has to be extremely stupid so that the plot can happen.

26. Anyway, Ebenezer next tries to pretend he is not the Poet Laureate and is in fact the Poet Laureate's servant; the sailors don't care anymore and just say, "Sure", and he meets the "Poet Laureate" to discover he is ... dun! dun! dun! ... his valet! whom I haven't mentioned before because he really had no importance in the story hitherto.

27. His valet, Bertrand, reveals he copied Ebenezer's commission from Calvert stating he is the Poet Laureate of Maryland. Ebenezer therefore has no choice but to continue pretending he is his valet's servant.

28. I'm struggling to decide what exactly is part of the plot; these chapters are easily among the book's worst. Okay so, basically Bertrand simultaneously woos a notable woman of Maryland on the ship and bets on the ship's progress. He uses Ebenezer's assets for his bets. Ebenezer, for reasons I do not understand, willingly gives Bertrand his own assets for his bets.

29. Ebenezer ... just ... falls down one day, and hits his head on the deck? He is unconscious and is healed by the sailors of the ship. The sailors of the ship then trick him into signing a contract stating he will be a sailor from now on, after which they try to rape him and imply they were raping him the whole time he was unconscious. My reasoning tells me I actually shouldn't have mentioned this because the contract ... I think doesn't return into the story again, but I'm going to mention it anyway because it might have, but I just don't remember it.

30. The rape is interrupted by pirates. The pirates are looking for the Poet Laureate of Maryland, so Bertrand and Ebenezer are both forced onto the pirate ship as no one knows who the Poet Laureate really is.

31. Ebenezer discovers the pirate captain has a fragment of John Smith's journal. The pirates are really horny; upon discovering the Cyprian, a ship full of prostitutes heading for the colonies, is in the distance, they decide to attack it and rape all the women aboard.

32. In the chaos, Ebenezer steals the fragment of John Smith's journal, revealing that Smith and Burlingame, Henry's possible ancestor, after their adventure with Pocahontas traveled to another Indian village where they discover that rape is the solution to their problems. Again, make of the book's rapey-ness as you will.

33. Ebenezer has an idea of hiding in the Cyprian while the raping is going on, and then decides he wants to rape too, but he is prevented from doing so by the pirate captain calling his crew back.

34. The pirate crew is given word that the Poet Laureate (another imposter) is actually in Maryland, so they put Ebenezer and Bertrand on the plank. This begins one of the best sequences of stories in the book; it's very good literature.

35. Ebenezer and Bertrand survive and find themselves stranded. They make shelter and find food, and then free a slave. Ebenezer, Bertrand and the slave then meet Quassapelagh, a wounded Indian chieftain; Ebenezer orders the slave - who somehow knows everything - to heal the chieftain and to then devote himself to the chieftain's cause; the chieftain thanks him and rewards him with a fishbone ring. Again, this is one of the best string of tales in the book, and it ends here.

36. Ebenezer and Bertrand discover they are in Maryland. Someone takes them somewhere. No, seriously, it doesn't matter where they are taken, just that they weren't taken to Ebenezer's inherited plantation in Malden.

37. They meet Susan Warren, a swineherd who is addicted to opium and has some kind of disease. Susan says Joan Toast is in America; Ebenezer wants to see her again.

38. Susan Warren takes them to her ... father? father-in-law? Warren's father or whatever is a mean man who made her addicted to opium but he's apparently nice enough to let two strangers sleep in his house for the night.

39. That night Ebenezer wants to rape Susan Warren (that's basically it, he makes some excuse that Susan Warren doesn't feel attractive enough because of her disfigurement from opium but the overall sentiment is really rape-y) and goes to the Warrens' barn to do so. There he meets Tim Mitchell, who is actually his friend Henry Burlingame.

40. I literally don't remember what happened here. I think what happens is: Susan never showed up in the barn, claiming that she was helping Joan Toast escape to Malden. Henry and Ebenezer pretend to chase Susan Warren, as she was not supposed to leave her father.

41. Holy shit my memory is deteriorating. I think they then decide to look for another fragment of John Smith's journal, which is in the hands of a Jesuit. The Jesuit tells them a story of a missionary who was raped (there is so much rape in this novel) by Indian women; this story was told to him by Charley Mattasin, a murderous Indian.

42. The Jesuit refuses to give them his fragment of the journal, and so Henry has to resort to violent means; he pretends to be a character that has no significance in the future of the story whatsoever. They read Smith's part of the journal, which I think is a story about how the crew drank really bad water and contracted diarrhea; it ends in a tug-of-war with Indians where John Smith falls face first into Burlingame's poopy butt. I actually think this fragment is pretty funny.

43. I just don't remember. I really don't. I know Bertrand went straight to Malden on Burlingame's recommendation, for some reason. I know the next plot point is Ebenezer and Henry going to some place; Henry decides to leave Ebenezer alone, and Ebenezer goes to a courtroom to see how Maryland justice is done. In the courtroom he sees Susan Warren testifying against her father (that's right, the guy we met before was her father-in-law), whom Susan established earlier was a poor man cheated out of his luck by her father-in-law. Ebenezer is understandably upset that Susan not only lied to her but was also attacking someone who he thought was a victim. I actually want to emphasize this point: if Susan didn't lie to Ebenezer, Ebenezer would not have made his incorrect conclusion, and yet no one ever gives her shit for outright deceiving him when she didn't have to at all. This actually blows my mind and is the starting point for when the badness of the plot ruins the whole story.

44. Ebenezer testifies on behalf of Susan's poor father and exhorts the judge to give her father the land he deserves and then some; to which the judge then decides to give Ebenezer's own estate to Susan's father and Ebenezer just ... lets this happen??? And then we discover, duh, Susan's father is actually evil!

45. Burlingame, who shouldn't have left Ebenezer alone, then gets mad at Ebenezer because Ebenezer, RIGHTFULLY, says that Henry just lies and lies and lies and bullies other people until they do what he says. Henry abandons Ebenezer, leaving Ebenezer to go to Malden on his own, on the condition he signs more contracts that are disadvantageous to him. On the boat ride, Ebenezer takes to some guy who was tricked by John McEvoy into being sold as an indentured servant.

46. Ebenezer arrives at Malden, very sick. He sells his final rights to Susan's father, begging him to make him a servant of his estate because ... why not? Ebenezer is so sick he can't take care of himself, and so he would rather be a servant for the man who stole everything from him, because he had no other option for some reason. Susan's father is okay with this so long as he marries Susan, so as to secure his legal ownership of Malden. Ebenezer does so.

47. Ebenezer then falls into a fever; when he wakes up recovered, he has the inspiration to finish his epic, the Marylandiad, a poem in dedication to Charles Calvert's colony. Of course, because Ebenezer actually hates Maryland, his Marylandiad becomes "The Sot-Weed Factor" we know and love.

48. Now that Ebenezer is done with his poem, he meets with his wife Susan Warren, who is very, very sick. She reveals she is, dun, dun, dun! Joan Toast! Joan is addicted to opium and has a venereal disease from being raped and is madly in love with Ebenezer for some reason. She gives him enough money to escape to England, as Ebenezer's father Andrew is coming to Malden, for some reason, and Ebenezer doesn't want his father to beat the shit out of him for losing his inheritance.

49. Ebenezer escapes Malden, with Susan's father not knowing this somehow. He reunites with Henry, disguised as someone else, who ... I guess was playing with his dick the entire time, I don't know. Henry always claims he is doing super secret spy work in the background, but I think he is a huge asshole and doesn't actually care about Ebenezer's well-being at all.

50. Ebenezer and Henry go somewhere in Maryland, as Henry tells Ebenezer that his sister Anna is now in Maryland, presumably looking for Henry, whom she is presumably in love with. So it's basically a giant story of musical chairs at this point. Henry leaves Ebenezer, AGAIN (I don't fucking get what Henry is thinking at a certain point), leaving Ebenezer to snoop around and discover, dun, dun, dun! Bertrand posing as the Poet Laureate again.

51. I could mention all the intrigue with Bertrand and his betting away Malden but it really isn't that important. Ebenezer and Bertrand decide to look for Anna on their own, for some reason, because they decide not to trust Henry, for some reason. They get on a boat, but the boat is diverted off its course by a great storm; this is one of the best chapters of the book, because Barth loves nautical terms and he loves how dramatic the storm is.

52. Oh my god I forgot about this: sometime during plot point 45, Ebenezer meets Mary Mungummery, one of the best characters in the book, who happens to be a traveling pimp (basically), who tells Ebenezer a story about Charley Mattasin the murdering Indian who waaaaaaas her lover! That's it, that's the only important plot point revealed here.

53. Okay back to 51: Ebenezer, Bertrand and the captain of the vessel are captured by the black slaves of the ship and taken to an island where they reunite with John McEvoy. They are captives of an alliance of freed black slaves and Indians.

54. The four companions are to be executed by the Indians, until they discover the leaders of the alliance consist of Quassapelagh, the black slave they saved (named Drepacca), and a very crotchety Native American man.

55. The leaders basically say, Hey, Ebenezer can go, but we hate white people so everyone else pretty much has to die. (Ebenezer's innocence was actually useful insofar that he had the decency to 1. save a slave and 2. save a wounded man but everyone gives him shit for his "innocence" and no credit when it actually is helpful to everyone. In fact the theme of "innocence" is so hackneyed that we do get the sense Barth completely forgot about it or tacked it on later.) Because Ebenezer has principles, because he is the Poet Laureate of Maryland, he says, We're all free, or we're all dead! To which, after more coincidences, Ebenezer discovers, dun, dun, dun, the crotchety Indian chieftain is in fact Henry Burlingame's father!

56. Basically Henry was abandoned in a canoe at birth by White-hating Indians; Henry of course is born to royalty, so he is spared in the sense that they don't directly kill him. This is all revealed in the best John Smith story, where Henry's ancestor, Henry Burlingame, wins an eating contest to become an Indian chieftain. This story is incredible as it actually follows the conventional structure of setup - punchline (it even has an Adam Sandler-esque joke of someone dying after farting); it shows Barth does indeed understand what comedy is, so it makes it all the more confusing that he doesn't apply it consistently throughout the novel.

57. Ebenezer says, Alright, I will find your sons for you, and you will then free my friends (as the Indian chieftain is really, really mad at white people, because all three of his sons eventually defected to white settlements). He takes John McEvoy with him, because John is easily the most trustworthy and resourceful of the two plus Bertrand plus the captain, and also Bertrand is a traitor ass bitch as has been established throughout this summary.

58. Ebenezer and McEvoy fuck off and find Mary Mungummory again. Mary and a friend reveal that Ebenezer's sister may be married to the Indian chieftain's son, who is Henry Burlingame's brother. Ebenezer is mortified, but then he says, Ho ho ho, that's not my sister, it's someone disguising herself as my sister! The plot is so implausible that we briefly wonder, Hey, maybe he's right.

59. I could tell the whole backstory of Henry's brother, Bill of the Goose (I don't remember his popular name), but it's not important to the plot. Ebenezer, McEvoy and Mary then travel to ... a town, where Ebenezer's sister, Anna ... maaaaaaaaay be? Mary tells the story of the biggest asshole to ever asshole, and McEvoy decides to one-up the asshole because 1. he's an asshole and 2. his wife and daughter are hot and he wants to get his rocks off. Yes, this is what fucking happens; to clarify, 54 to 57 are great, great literature, and I thought this was the moment when the novel would take off and be amazing, but no, Barth gets completely distracted by his boner comedies.

60. Ebenezer and McEvoy essentially kill the asshole, and they suffer no consequences for it whatsoever. (I understand Henry Russecks is an asshole, but he's also a human, and it actually bothers me substantially that Ebenezer and McEvoy cause his demise, directly. The novel isn't shy of exploring legal consequences to things - that's how the novel ends - so I don't understand why Barth completely ignores this.)

61. Ebenezer then meets Bill of the Goose, who wants to make himself more English because of his newfound love for his English wife. (No, you are not missing anything; after a wacky adventure in a windmill, Ebenezer literally stumbles back onto the plot.) Ebenezer then follows Bill of the Goose, to discover his wife is actually his sister Anna.

62. Ebenezer convinces Bill of the Goose to return back to his father and lead the alliance, as Bill of the Goose is not married to Anna because of the nuances of both English and Indian customs. Ebenezer and Anna reunite with McEvoy, Mary, hot wife (Roxanne), and hot daughter (Henrietta). McEvoy returns to the island with Bill of the Goose to ensure their remaining friends go free, while the rest bunker down as there are apparently pirates afoot.

63. Henrietta tells a story; Ebenezer picks up from the story that Roxanne was the nursing maid for him and Anna. Then Roxanne one-ups him by saying: Not only am I your nursing maid, Henrietta is ... dun, dun, dun! your step-sister!

64. The captain and Bertrand return; the captain will take the company anywhere they want to go, until it's revealed that the captain is compromised by pirates and Ebenezer and Bertrand and McEvoy are forced to walk the plank.

65. The trio find themselves at Malden again, where everyone has gathered: Ebenezer's father Andrew, Henry Burlingame, the guy who acquired Malden at court, the lawyer, the guy who thinks he has Malden because of Bertrand's bets, Joan Toast ... Ebenezer gets really sick and falls at the doorstep of his household.

66. Ebenezer wakes up from his fever and discovers the governor of ... Maryland? Pennsylvania? I don't remember, is coming to visit him because of his role in the Indians - slaves' revolt against the colonies. Governor Nicholson then decides to settle the matter of Ebenezer's estate once and for all.

67. Bertrand's bet is immediately shown to be bullshit, so that leaves one contender for Malden out. Apparently the case of Susan Warren's father (not Joan Toast's actual father - don't get confused, Joan Toast only pretended to be Susan Warren for some reason) is actually quite strong, until Henry argues to Nicholson to just use dictatorial force to seize Malden and give it to Ebenezer which RESOLVES THE WHOLE FUCKING PLOT OF MALDEN'S OWNERSHIP WHICH HAD BEEN SET UP FOR MORE THAN HALF THE FUCKING NOVEL! It really is a "Poochie died on his way back to his home planet" scenario and it gives the reader great occasion to just fucking hate Barth forever (even though I won't (yet)).

68. OK so I didn't establish this earlier as it wasn't important then, but Henry Burlingame and his ancestors have really small penises, which apparently means they can't have children in a conventional sense. Whether this is biologically true, I ask that you consult a doctor. Joan Toast actually has Henry Burlingame's, the ancestor's, recipe for how to make his penis bigger, which involves burning his cock with an eggplant. Burlingame then leaves to meet his father, the Indian chieftain, with the recipe, so Henry can assume a role as the leader of the alliance so as to foil it from the inside out. However, Joan's condition in handing over the recipe was for Ebenezer to, finally, have sex with her syphilitic body thereby making him her husband and her his wife, and also ridding Ebenezer of his accursed "innocence".

69. There is no more plot, I just wanted the list to go to 69.

There's an epilogue but even the author admits that the story basically ends when Ebenezer loses his virginity. In my opinion, the epilogue does not enhance the story at all and in fact makes the themes of the story more confused. (Barth is not in bad company though as Faulkner's epilogue for "The Sound and the Fury" (1929) is just god-awful but Faulkner is more fortunate in that the book is incredible without the epilogue whereas "The Sot-Weed Factor" without the epilogue is still "The Sot-Weed Factor".)

If you make it here, I'm glad you wasted as much time reading this as I have reading this fucking book.